Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
