Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize