my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
