Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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