i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
