afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
