Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am naked and annoyed.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
