I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
