I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
