The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
