the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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