I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
