im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
