Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
