Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
