she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
