I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
