If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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