3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
