Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
