Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
