You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
