Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
