she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
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The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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