then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
