How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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