I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
