if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
