3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
two words: eviction party
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic