Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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