And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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