i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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