Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
