Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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