i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
