there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
