Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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