I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
