: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They have beer where we have blood.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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