So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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