No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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