ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
