Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize