I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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