Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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