He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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