Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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