The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When are your genitals available?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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