I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
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