you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
