just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
