Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
