Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
