Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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