theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My feet surprised me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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