if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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