party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The uberlube is also flammable
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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