he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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